By Linda Stade
There are few things more upsetting or stressful than a relationship breakdown. This is especially true for our young people. It may be a normal part of life, but conflict in a friendship, with a teacher, a family member, or in a romantic relationship, often overwhelms our kids.
Young people tend to express their feelings of injustice and anger very effectively. Perhaps too effectively sometimes! However, when a relationship goes off the rails, their inability to express their sadness and desire to repair causes most of their pain.
It is no coincidence that the same can be said of adult relationships. Humans can be very slow to learn the skills that will serve them best… like, how to be vulnerable, take responsibility for their missteps, and repair an essentially healthy relationship.
Sorry is confusing
Sorry is perhaps the most confusing social contract we have. At its most basic, it means, “We have had a disruption in our relationship, and I want to repair that disruption and move forward with you”. It is a decision and a commitment to the future.
Unfortunately, we have turned ‘sorry’ into an emotion and in some cases a power game. We spend too long trying to allocate blame. Saying sorry does not mean, “You win”. It is taking responsibility for your own behaviour and moving forward. It is a well-considered choice.
When kids are in conflict, parents and teachers often try to force an apology, in the moment and, while emotion is running high. It’s an understandable shortcut taken in managing behaviour. We’re busy! We say things like, “Say sorry and mean it”. We demand remorse, effectively asking them to fake an emotion and eliciting shame. Not ideal!
What we want is for our kids to understand and take responsibility for the part they play in their conflicts and relationship failures. This will take time and careful conversation. It will probably sting for them because nobody likes seeing their own faults. Egos will be challenged. That’s okay, and it is better than growing into an adult who can never admit fault.
There is a lot of learning to be gained in these conversations. If you manage them carefully, they will include kids acknowledging their own feelings like jealousy or anger. They will also uncover kids’ disappointments and pain at the way others have treated them.
This is also a chance to teach empathy. We can help kids understand how other people feel and that their words and actions impact others. Ask, “How might your friend be feeling?” and talk about that.
What stops adolescents from repairing relationships?
As small children, sorry is easy. We see little people push and shove, or say mean things, then apologise and start playing again. However, as we age, we let shame and fear of being vulnerable and uncomfortable stand in the way of repair.
This is especially true in adolescents who are very conscious of how other people view them. At this stage in their development, they are becoming more influenced by their peers and they’re exploring their place in social hierarchies, particularly at school. Not losing face is particularly important.
Often, kids perceive people who never back down or apologise as strong. They do not understand the strength it takes to sit with the discomfort of apologising and having authentic conversations about how they feel. Instead, they see that vulnerability as shameful.
Adolescents are also at a stage in their brain development where they are highly impulsive and reactive. They say inappropriate things and they often overreact to the things that are said to them. In these situations, they are largely operating from the amygdala; the instinctive part of the brain designed to ensure survival. It is the fight-or-flight part of the brain. Logic has a lot to compete with here!
Therefore, despite the enormous time, effort, and love they may have invested in their relationships, particularly their friendships, they are just as likely to throw the whole relationship away rather than make themselves vulnerable enough to repair it.
When I discuss these ideas with students, they are very clear about the complexity of the conflict they experience. It isn’t always overt; it is often quiet and passively aggressive, and it snowballs when other people become involved. They do not see themselves as skilled enough to untangle these conflicts.
At this point, we need skilled adults to help. Those adults need to move kids past who is right and wrong and help them reflect on, and acknowledge their own behaviour. If both parties can acknowledge the part they have played and leave what has happened in the past, they have an opportunity to rebuild the relationship. They get a clean slate.
Character education
Beyond the logistics of managing relationships, we need to teach kids to repair relationships and take responsibility for their actions because that is what people of character do. If we want integrity in adults, we need to teach it and expect it from our young people. We also need to demonstrate and model it ourselves.
Kay Gleeson is Principal at Lourdes Hill College in Brisbane. She says to students, “What you do now forms and follows you.” Has there been a truer statement?
Mrs Gleeson refers to the Benedictine tradition of the College which acknowledges the flawed nature of all people. St Benedict teaches that growth comes from accepting people as they are, not as we would like them to be. He asks us to, gently rub our sharp edges down so we fit together.
Now more than ever, in a world focused on what makes us different rather than what we share, we need citizens who can be accountable, reconcile, and fit together… in their own homes and out in the world.
Teaching kids to say sorry and repair
Modelling is incredibly powerful. If we want our kids to learn how to repair a relationship, we need to show them how by apologising when we make bad decisions or mistakes. Kids need to learn from us that apologising does not make you weak. It is the skill of a person who knows they are more than one action and more than one mistake.
Give kids the language they need to make a meaningful apology and use that language yourself. Again, modelling is vital. This is a simple but effective structure.
Repair is not just saying sorry. Help kids understand that saying sorry may be a starting point but it is not the end. Often, they will try to act as though nothing has happened after an apology and pick up where they left off. After an apology we need to rebuild trust and that may take time. Conflict is normal but it is also normal for repair to take time, empathy, and effort.
Be aware that not all relationships are healthy and should progress. Part of emotional intelligence is knowing when to distance ourselves. We should still take responsibility for our part in any conflict, but we can move forward without necessarily moving forward together.
Final thought…
Ultimately, we want to raise a child with enough self-esteem and emotional intelligence to absorb the discomfort of apologising or having uncomfortable conversations. Yes, easier said than done! But, what we normalise and repeat over and over with our kids is what they learn. It is what will form and follow them!
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