Linda Stade
Today at school I watched something unusual, perhaps a tiny peak into the future.
A Year 7 girl had been in a collision during a basketball game and landed heavily. She was sitting on the sideline bravely stifling tears but clearly in a lot of pain. I asked a Year 12 captain to take her to the nurse.
The Year 12 was lovely. She bent down next to the younger girl and said, “That must have hurt. Do you need my help getting up?” The little girl nodded tearfully.
Without missing a beat, the Year 12 girl said, “You can put your arm around my shoulders. Can I hold you around the waist to lift you?” The little girl paused, considered it, and then said yes.
And there it was. The moment you realise all our talk about boundaries and consent is having an impact. A student asking to touch another student, not assuming consent but respectfully waiting for an answer.
Neither girl made a big deal about this process, it was just a little moment. That’s what teaching respectful relationships is all about… all the little moments that prepare kids for the big moments.
Respectful Relationships
I don’t need to spell out why we must teach kids about consent and the broader subject of respectful relationships. We are all aware of our high rates of intimate partner violence and sex-related crime. The community is also becoming increasingly cognisant of the need to teach about psychological abuse, coercion, and financial control.
Kay Gleeson is Principal at Lourdes Hill College, a girls’ school in Brisbane. She says, “Gone are the days of bringing in a one-off guest speaker! ‘Respectful relationships’ is part of the latest version of the Australian Curriculum. Schools must deliver skills and knowledge appropriate to a child’s age and stage in every year of their school lives.
“In this work, it is essential that we partner closely with parents. All the significant adults in a child’s life are important in modelling for kids what it is to be a safe and respectful person.”
What are the lessons parents need to teach to promote respectful relationships?
1. Who am I?
When a person has a strong sense of self-worth, they are more likely to keep themselves and others safe. This high self-worth is based on a lifetime of belonging, being loved, and having a sense of purpose and place in the world. Kids need to know they are valued at home and school and that what they contribute matters.
Self-worth is not based on constant praise; it is created when a child sets and achieves challenges that matter to them… not us! This is howthey develop a sense of their personal power.
2. What does a safe relationship look and feel like?
Kids learn about safe relationships by seeing and experiencing safe relationships. That starts with parents. What version of love and respect are you modelling with your own partner? What version of love is your child experiencing from you?
Beyond the home, kids’ understanding of safe relationships comes from trusted, caring adults like aunts and uncles, grandparents, and family friends. It develops still further at school. In all these relationships a child is developing their internal radar for what ‘safe’ looks and feels like. It helps to talk about who they think is safe in their life.
3. How to recognise and act on the ick feeling
If their radar for healthy, safe relationships is well developed, a young person will recognise the ‘ick’ feeling when something is off. Teach kids to trust the ick. Teach them to notice when they have uneasy butterflies in their stomach, when their chest tightens and when what is being said does not match behaviour.
Too often we teach our kids, especially girls, to ignore their own feelings and just be nice so that they don’t cause a scene. It is more important to be safe than to be nice.
The ick also matters when we see friends in unsafe relationships or situations. Young people need permission and the skills to support each other. That might mean having awkward conversations and assisting in finding help.
4. How to say no
Setting boundaries is easy when you are dealing with people you don’t really know or care about. It is much more difficult when you are dealing with people you love or someone you want to like you. This is especially true of adolescents who are so invested in belonging.
Many kids tolerate thoughtless or mean behaviour because they can’t say no to their friends. If you can’t say no to friends, how will you say no to a future partner? Practising saying no is important, but our children will need coaching and positive reinforcement when they do it.
It is not just friends we should be teaching kids to say no to. They should be able to respectfully advocate for themselves with us too. Telling your child, they need to stand up for themselves only to then punish them when they do is problematic. It requires a cool head and an eye on the bigger picture to teach kids that nobody can have complete control over them, especially when it comes to their bodies.
5. How to respect other people’s boundaries
Principal Kay Gleeson reminds us that young people need to respect our boundaries too. She recently spoke to the College’s Year 12 cohort to remind them that although they may be very excited about graduation and leaving school, they need to be mindful of other people’s boundaries. You can’t just run up and hug a teacher or coach. Many will be uncomfortable with that sort of contact.
At home, we know our teens can be moody and lash out at times, but we cannot just accept this crossing of boundaries. They need to see us stand firm against abuse, even theirs.
6. What consent is, and what it is not
In senior school, students will have open and factual conversations about consent in classes. In some schools this is in Health Education, other schools have built it into character and citizenship classes. At Lourdes Hill College it is built into the Stellar Wellbeing curriculum.
Schools will always send out notification of what is being taught and why. Keep an eye out for this sort of communication from the school so that you can support the learning at home by having discussions with your child.
A list of resources to help with these discussions is included at the end of this article. This internationally acclaimed clip is amongst our favourites…
How you behave is as important as what you say…
Be unshockable
In discussions with young people about consent and relationship issues, Mrs Gleeson recommends you be open, honest, and difficult to shock… which is not always easy!
She says, “When your kids share with you, control your reactions and be empathetic. If you overreact your kids are in a no-win situation. If they are being hurt by a partner, the idea of hurting you shouldn’t be the reason they don’t share what is happening.”
Share your lived experience
Mrs Gleeson says, “We need to be brave enough to talk authentically about the mistakes we have made and what we would do differently. How did those mistakes help us make better choices in the future? Kids learn a great deal from the responsible sharing of lived experience.”
Respect that your child may not choose to confide in you
Your young person may choose to talk to a trusted adult outside of the home, because they don’t want to disappoint or hurt you. If this is the case, please don’t be upset. Congratulate yourself on having fostered those safe relationships that are helping your child so powerfully. Good job you!
Final thought…
Teaching consent and relational safety can be uncomfortable. However, if we can’t be brave enough to have these vital discussions, how can we expect our kids to ever be brave enough to stand up for themselves and others in the moments that count.
Resources that can help
Respectful Relations Education – Queensland Government
Consent Can’t Wait - Australian Government
Respect Matters – The Australian Curriculum
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