By Linda Stade
When you think of lonely people, you are likely to picture someone elderly who lives alone. They may be sick and unable to leave the house. By virtue of their stage in life, they may have lost a partner, friends, family, and social connection.
Most of us would be surprised to know this picture is far from the truth. A 2023 government study showed older Australians have the lowest rate of loneliness in the country. The highest rate of loneliness was found in young people between 15 and 24.
The HILDA survey annually interviews 1700 people who are aged 15 years and older. It first reported the growing rate of loneliness in young people in 2008. The rate continued to rise gradually and then jumped up dramatically in 2020, no doubt due to Covid. However, that rate has not dropped considerably since.
Loneliness prevalence by age group
The Department of Social Services, the Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia (HILDA)
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is an uncomfortable psychological state caused by the perception that one doesn’t have the necessary quantity or quality of social relationships. Neuroscientists see loneliness as equivalent to hunger, thirst, and physical pain.
The evolutionary function of loneliness is to drive us to make social connections that will protect us and help us prosper. This all makes a lot more sense when you put it into the context of early humans who needed one another to share hunting duties and to ward off frightening predators.
It has become so much more complicated in contemporary society. Today, our threats are usually abstract, and people can surround us but we still feel we don't have the social connection we need.
What’s wrong with being lonely?
Research shows that in the long term, the terrible feeling of loneliness is associated with both physical and mental health problems, including depression and anxiety. Not only that, but over time it causes changes to neurobiological and behavioural patterns which make it very difficult to find connections in the future.
These problems are compounded by the behaviours that often accompany loneliness like poor sleep, inadequate physical activity and, in some cases, substance abuse.
We underestimate the problem of loneliness in young people at their peril!
Why young people?
As the government survey does not include children younger than 15, it is hard to know at what age this feeling of loneliness begins, however, your spidey senses as a parent might hazard a guess at early adolescence, around the age of 11 to 13.
At this age, kids begin to focus more on their peer group for approval. Mum and Dad still have the greatest impact, but people their own age show kids where they fit socially. Inclusion and their place in social hierarchies is very powerful to an early adolescent’s sense of belonging and wellbeing. In contrast, older people may spend more time alone but feel less lonely.
It is in early adolescence that many young people begin using social media. As we know, social media is remarkably unsocial. It has documented impacts on self-esteem and rather than creating inclusion, it diminishes the amount of real intimacy and social contact a child has at a time when it is most vital.
Is it a coincidence that the rate of loneliness among young people began to increase the year after the introduction of the smartphone in 2007?
In adolescence, our young people have poorly developed social skills. Young female friendships can be dramatic and highly emotional. Boys are more likely to put up with behaviour that hurts them but say nothing. Both are painful ways of being and lead to feelings of loneliness.
It is worth noting that just because you might not see lots of kids alone in the playground at school doesn’t mean there aren’t many lonely kids. Teens will spend time with others with whom they feel no connection if it means they don’t have to appear to be alone.
A prescription for loneliness
What is the prescription for the loneliness that ails so many of our young people?
The main ways experts believe we should deal with loneliness are to use technology more mindfully, practice self-care, and most importantly, find community.
Ensure kids participate in group activities from a young age, and learn the skills of being part of a community. Then encourage them to persist with this kind of involvement throughout their adolescence and young adult lives, even better if it lasts their whole lifetime!
Participation in group activities ensures our kids are building bonds and the skills of social networking and connection. For this reason, schools like Lourdes Hill College in Brisbane strongly encourage participation in co-curricular activities.
Principal Kay Gleeson is so invested in her students being engaged and connected that she has made it compulsory for all Middle School students to be involved in one service, one sport and one cultural group across each year.
Sport is particularly promoted, because as Principal Kay Gleeson says, “While not everyone can be a talented sports person, every person can find a sports group that suits their ability and preferences.
“Even if they hate team sports, students can be part of a group who practice pilates or yoga together a couple of times a week. Being part of a group is what matters to their sense of belonging and mental health. The physical benefits are vital too.”
Strategies for keeping young people engaged with organised group activities
Most parents are fully aware that participation and building community bonds are important. The challenge comes in figuring out how to ensure kids stay engaged in group activities as they get older; especially when homework and screens are competing for time.
Here are some hints that might help…
Role model the behaviour you want to see. If investing in groups is a priority in your life, it is more likely to be a priority for your child.
Check who you are in support of your child’s activities. Don’t be the parent who yells from the sideline, gets involved in parent group drama, or debriefs intensely after a performance or activity. Kids shut down in that atmosphere.
Group activities must be fun, particularly for kids not at the top of the skills continuum. Their activities may have initially been chosen because you like them. Are they the right fit for your child now?
Listen to your child. Is there a particular reason they aren’t enjoying their group activities? If so, there may be problems you can guide them through or adjustments you can make.
Final thought…
There is no correct number of friends and connections, and everyone has different preferences. Don’t assume your child is lonely just because they are often alone, nor should you assume they aren’t lonely just because they are always socially busy. You need to consciously connect with your child and put aside your preferences to understand what they need.